But how? I feel apprehensive and guilty about even saying his name sometimes, as if I'll depress everyone else. (My counselor says these feelings are also normal.) I will feel terrible if I let the day go by without some sort of mention, however. So she suggested some ways to include his memory in our festivities that would help me express my feelings and add to our holidays in a positive way. Here are a few I think would be nice.
- Hang a stocking for your loved one. Invite family and friends to write a short note to him or her and place it in the stocking.
- Or use long strips of paper for your messages. Fold width-wise, so you have an even thinner strip of paper. "Tie" your messages around the ends of the boughs of your Christmas tree. (Make sure your notes are a safe distance from any Christmas lights.)
- Use a recipe book holder or small easel to prop up a favorite photo album, opened to a favorite picture. Use it as your dining table centerpiece, or place on a prominent coffee table or side table. This is a great conversation starter.
- Shortly before Christmas, buy a few helium-filled balloons. You might choose Christmasy red and green ones, or your loved one's favorite color. If the weather is right, find a clear area outside and have a balloon release. Say a prayer for your loved one, read a poem, or sing a song... Whatever seems right for you. Release the balloons together, or wait between each person to make a procession in the sky. Hint: Cut the balloon strings short (or don't use strings) to prevent tangles!
- Put flowers in a window, at your loved one's seat at the table, in their favorite chair... Choose a colorful arrangement, or use a single rose or lily.
By far, the most popular suggestion I found online was to light a candle in memory of your loved one. It seems like every family has added their own twist to the idea:
- Set a place for your loved one at dinner. Light a candle at their seat.
- Place a candle in your loved one's favorite place in the house, the same as the flower suggestion above. Pick a candle with their favorite scent or color.
- Serving your loved one's favorite dessert? Light a birthday candle on every serving. Say a prayer or read a poem in honor of him or her, and then have everyone blow out the candles at the same time! (A sort of "reverse" of the birthday tradition!)
- Combine candle lighting with spoken verse. Ask each person to share a special story as they light separate candles, or use more formal words like the Five Candles ceremony described on this blog.
I love candle light, but I won't be flicking a Bic with my paws anytime soon, either. Be careful with placement of candles around the house, and never leave a candle unattended, no matter how symbolic it is! How terrible would it be to set Dad's favorite chair on fire — or worse — on Christmas Day?
If you have children or pets around, or simply aren't comfortable with candles in your home, forgo the flames altogether and get some of those little battery-powered candles at your local hardware or general store. You could even use one of your lamps. At our first Hospice House, there was one certain lamp the staff would turn on when one of our patients had passed. It was never used otherwise. When you saw its gentle light, even coming from an old incandescent bulb, it felt just as special and symbolic as any candle flame.
Just going over this list has made me feel a little better about Christmas. I even wagged a little when I thought about that dessert thing! Which suggestions do you think would work for your family?
Hanging in there,
Bea
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